she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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