i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.