first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
