He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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