she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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