I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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