i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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