i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
