When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
