Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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