Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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