Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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