No awkward lesbian experiences without me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
