So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
