So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
