My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
