i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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