Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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