new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
