I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
