Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
