A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I have fence marks all over my body
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
