I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
