I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
