How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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