I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
