All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
