So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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