Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
