his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
