Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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