I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
