if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
