as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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