i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
