I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
