You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
