All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
