So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
