yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
