One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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