I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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