my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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