How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
