Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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