I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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