the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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