You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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