The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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