I just pynch a tree in the face
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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