What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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