When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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