I will die if light touches me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
