I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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