When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize