I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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